The last of 2023.
Rakaia.
So I’ve been going for jobs in the horticulture sector mainly because: 1) plants are generally interesting and relevant; 2) I’ve heard terrible things about working in the agriculture sector (e.g. hours distributed throughout the day starting at 4am, cleaning up animal poo), and 3) it’s not quite the right season for the fun part of the viticulture sector.
Started work with a pea research company in Rakaia, but we haven’t really begun much pea research-related stuff because nature is taking its time this year…so we’ve done lots of weeding. It’s actually not bad and I’m getting pretty decent at using a hoe - new skill unlocked.
Rakaia is a very quiet place and there isn’t very much to do nearby either. Most stuff would be out towards Christchurch, at least a 45 minute drive away. There was one walk nearby(ish) that looked interesting/worth driving to, which was Rakaia River Gorge. Grey skies but no rain, and the walk itself was quite enjoyable.
Coincidentally, there are two other Singaporeans working this job in Rakaia. One of them had organised a dinner with some Taiwanese/Chinese friends and kindly invited me to join in - it was so yummy and makes me excited for meals in SG again hehe.
Since it’s berry season in NZ, a few of us visited a pick-your-own raspberry farm nearby and got some juicy sweet raspberries for the week :)
Been getting back into yoga on my own and spending some time at a large bouldering gym in Christchurch. First couple of sessions were a little slow but I’m starting to climb things that I think I should be able to climb again - yay!
A scrambled heart.
As this pea research job is the last one I’ll have here in NZ, I’m becoming increasingly aware of the end of this precious time. That stirs up some anxiety. Have I found whatever it was I had set out to find? How much of my ugliness is what I’ve been through versus really, me? Am I now more capable of being a better daughter, sister, friend? It would be delusional to think this could fix me and that I could leave my emotional baggage behind at airport security, but surely…some things must be different.
I’m anxious to find out how much (or how little) has changed. And I don’t think I’ll know until I’m back in SG - living with my family, working at TTSH with colleagues and patients and KPIs, being in a place I intend to set myself up in for the long run. (Though now that I think about it, the obligation to “settle down” because I’m an “adult” feels so arbitrary; who dictated that to be the way to go, and what’s stopping me from going on another adventure? A husband and kids does not sound like “an adventure”…surely there must be more exciting options.) Coming to NZ for a year felt like such a big deal eight months ago, but now I wonder if maybe I’ve taken life too seriously.
At the same time, however, I want to respect the things that deserve respect. I don’t know how to articulate the worth of this special allowance of no-pay leave granted by TTSH (my hospital/employer). I’m honoured and humbled to feel so valued by them, but now I wonder - am I worth that chance they took on me and will I prove to be as competent as they hoped? Gosh, I’m not even 30 and I’ve already taken a sabbatical! Seems a little early in the game, if you ask me. I hope some divine wisdom falls on my mouth when the time comes to give an answer.
Amidst the chaos in my mind, I know this for sure: As ugly and beautiful, dreadful and inspiring, heartbreaking and healing as 2023 has been, there has always been a Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
“Send out Your light and Your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to your dwelling!”
Psalm 43:3-4
Isaiah 9 repeats itself since dad’s message in Chijmes on 24 Dec 😇